No more monkey business
Cerberus has learned that there’ll be no more monkeying around in India’s corridors of power – all thanks to a primate ‘security guard’ nicknamed Rambo.
For decades, thousands of monkeys have lived unimpeded in the Government’s famed New Delhi buildings. They’ve stolen from lunch boxes, torn up valuable files and even bitten civil servants. The authorities claim they’ve tried everything to stop this untamed monkey business, but all to no avail. Until now, that is.
Raju – otherwise known as Rambo – has provided the answer. Aside from his own presence, this four-year-old primate has made the Ministries of Health and Urban Development ‘monkey-free zones’, growling menacingly at rival primates and, when he feels the need, even engaging them in one-on-one combat.
Cerberus suspects this might be a classic case of the Indian powers-that-be paying peanuts…and getting monkeys.
Crowing about the Mafia
Resourceful thieves on the Italian island of Sicily have seemingly trained crows to steal money from cashpoints.
Cerberus has discovered that one particular feathered friend managed to get away from an ATM in Messina with GB pound 160 worth of lira before its unsuspecting ‘victim’ had time to blink.
How long will it be before this Mafia-style conspiracy is taken one step further, inflicting itself upon Cash-in-Transit personnel here in the UK. A flight of fancy? Maybe – but then again maybe not.
Bombs away
A dog trained by police in Sydney to detect bombs is currently on the missing pooches list. Cerberus’ spies down under told your ever-faithful friend that the dog in question has run away…after being scared by the loud bangs of a fireworks display last New Year’s Eve!
Confessions of a Comedian
An unsuspecting (but not completely unsuspected) local rogue has been charged with three separate bank robberies – after confessing on stage at a comedy club in Macon, Georgia. Joining a comedian on the dais, 43-year-old Glenn Matthews opined: “I have something on my mind that I wish to share with you. I’m the one who’s been robbing all the banks.” During his time in prison, Mr Matthews would do well to reflect on that famous old adage. How does it go? Oh, yes. “Confession is good for the dole”…
Raider’s timely mistake
An ‘insider’ has let Cerberus know that Flying Squad officers recently foiled an attempted bank raid…after a robber told the terrified staff he would come back later to collect his swag.
After handing a scrawled note to a cashier at 10.00 am, the 33-year-old would-be villain returned no less than seven hours later to the branch in Beckenham, Kent and demanded his money – only to be met by the local bobbies.
Police spokesman Detective Superintendent John Shatford commented: “The Flying Squad is extremely skilled in dealing with this type of incident, and can respond very quickly. We’ve shown that here.” Quickly? The Boys In Blue had seven hours to plan the apprehension of one bungling (some might say plain stupid) criminal. They also knew exactly where he would be, and when.
Far be it from Cerberus to criticise police success stories, but it couldn’t have been much easier for you now, could it John?
The drugs don’t work
A crook who left a bag of cannabis on the back seat of a taxi after running off without paying was arrested…when he went to a police station to reclaim it.
Unbeknown to our hedonist friend, the cabbie had looked inside the bag, found 12 packets of drugs and informed the police of the bag’s unusual contents.
The suspect is currently helping Brighton police with their enquiries. He’s definitely not on a high now, that’s for sure.
Dress to unimpress
A security guard who worked at a county’s police hq has been fined for wearing police uniform. Leicester magistrates heard that 28-year-old Shakir Osman of St Saviour’s Road had always wanted to be a policeman, but was arrested after being spotted in the street illegally wearing a jacket with police markings.
Searches of his house unearthed a police jumper and diary. Osman admitted charges of possessing items of police clothing when not a serving officer, and the theft of a diary (which cost him GB pound 140 and his job). He denied, however, stealing a police jacket and jumper, charges that were subsequently dismissed.
There’s nothing quite like dressing to unimpress now, is there?
